Hello, I am Jason Holland. And, I have a story to tell that has shaped me to be the man I am today. It’s also one of the reasons I create. At the age of seven years old, I was sexually molested. The perpetrator was a boy not much older than myself, maybe about thirteen years old at the time. He was the son of an ex-boyfriend of my mom.
In the beginning, it began with touching and grabbing me inappropriately in the back seat of the car when he thought our parents weren’t looking. Over time, it progressed to a lot more, the details of which I obviously do not need to divulge here.
From what I remember about it, was that it felt strange. I knew what was happening was wrong, I felt terrible, and it was very confusing.
Now, as an adult and an openly gay man, I often look back to that experience and wonder if it was part of the reason I am gay. Older and wiser now, I can tell you with an assurance that the experience is NOT the reason I am a gay.
What I can also tell you for sure, is that when I look back on those times and remember that experience, what I do remember was a small boy who had lost his joy, his spark, his smile, and his happiness. From that experience I lost my “childhood innocence.”
I can look back now at photos from when I was that age and see my smile had faded away. And, from what I can remember before that, I had been, for the most part, a happy child.
Feminine Energy vs. A Male Dominated Culture
We live in a culture that tells us, especially men, that being vulnerable, and sharing such things is not only inappropriate but “weak.” The culture I come from told me: men are supposed to be strong, silent, and bury our feelings deep inside. I’m here to tell you, I think that’s a bunch of BS!
I’ve never been very good at subscribing to the stereotypical philosophy of “how a man is supposed to be.” And, frankly, I believe it is an outright lie – an illusion meant to keep us human beings suppressed and our authentic joy and happiness, just out of arm’s reach.
And while I didn’t have much in the way of great male role models growing up, what I did have were strong women — my mother and my grandmother — who raised me the best way they knew how. They did the best they could with the resources they had. And though I’ve never really told her: I believe my mom is one of the most courageous people I’ve ever met. And, I think she did a pretty good job: I’ve turned out to be a good man! If I don’t say so myself, thank you very much.
My mother and my grandmother taught me, among other things, that in spite of adversity how to be kind, compassionate, caring, and sensitive to others – whether it was intentional or not. It could also just be the nature of feminine energy, which I was surrounded by it most of my childhood.
Stereotypically, an uneducated fool might label me a “momma’s boy,” or a “sissy.” But, I am here to tell you, regardless of being an openly gay man, I am anything but a weak “momma’s boy.” Furthermore, that didn’t make me gay either.
My environment may have had some influence, but I am quite confident that being a man physically and sexually attracted to men, is just part of who I am. All of the above, by the way, I am quite proud of. I am proud of the man who I have become and who I will continue growing to be.
Why Now, Do I Have This Story To Tell?
Through my personal spiritual awakening over the last few years, I’ve come to learn that if this project is going to be successful, I have to be willing and able to be completely vulnerable, transparent, and openly honest. After all, if I am going to “educate and inspires others from my creativity within,” I have to practice what I preach. Right?
I have learned through my life experience that vulnerability is not weakness, it is courageous. To be completely honest with myself and to succeed in my life purpose, my soul purpose, means I need to:
- acknowledge my past and embrace it;
- forgive those who have wronged me;
- more importantly, forgive myself;
- and then, finally, let it go.
My work, especially over the last twelve months, has been about just that: taking the culmination of my life experience and the expertise of my career and figuring out how to combine them into something that I can teach and share to help others awaken and expand their own creativity within.